In that spirit, I’m here to suggest some ways to turn even the most suburban homesteads into strongholds fit for kings and survivalists alike. (Note: We should establish some rules before going further. When I mention zombies, I’m talking about the George A. Romero/Robert Kirkman zombies, not the rabid berserkers or intelligent gene freaks of 28 Days Later or Resident Evil fame. Just the relentless and meandering flesh-eaters risen again to outnumber the living).
1) Bricks: Sounds simple, but it’ll be a huge time saver in the long run. No need for alarms or night watchmen covering the doors and windows, just brick them all up. Entry and exit through the roof, because as we all know: zombies cant use ladders.
2) Zip-Lines: Just touching the ground can sometimes be the difference between life and dinner in a zombie apocalypse. Save yourself the trouble by setting up zip-lines between your house and other important places, like the shops or the petrol station. Getting back might be a challenge, but then what walk of life isn’t without its obstacles.
3) Moat: Before we had Yale and Chubb, the only way to secure a home was to dig a trench and fill it with water. Now, unless you have a good line on man-eating sea life that will deal with the waste, I would suggest the Bear Grylls of feng shui and build a dry moat, floored with spikes and topped with loose leaves and branches.
4) Guts: No, not your guts – far too tasty. No, I’m talking zombie guts, fashioned into window dressings, bird feeders or just left out in strips on the front path. It has been well established that zombies can smell meat that’s gone off. If your house smells like a butcher’s Biffa and not a butcher’s counter, likely as not the walking corpses will breeze past you like you’re a busker on the Underground.
5) Move to Hackney: Because not even the living dead will go near you in that neighbourhood.