How to Find Normal Flatmates

Two of my normal flatmates are moving out because of the crazy flatmate. I’m being left with the crazy flatmate! We’re interviewing for new flatmates and it’s essential that I get two normal ones. Any more crazies would make things unbearable and probably result in one of us being evicted. But anyone can seem normal over a short interview. How do you rumble them?

I started by asking a series of normal questions. Where are you from? What do you do? But these elicited normal answers. I cranked it up further. “What unusual hobbies do you have?” I asked. She eventually said “running”. “That isn’t unusual!” I cried and promptly kicked her out. I couldn’t live with someone who considers such a normal activity unusual.

The next person seemed normal until I mentioned that the landlord does a criminal records check. He promptly made his excuses and left. I asked the next person what was their favourite type of bean. She answered “runner” instantly. No one should be able to answer such a strange question so quickly. Weirdo. I kicked her out immediately. I did give her a packet of runner beans for the journey home so she was happy enough.

My flatmates were looking at me strangely, almost as though I was the strange one. I realised that I was repeatedly hitting the kettle with a teaspoon without realising. Perhaps I was the strange one all along. Could it be? Surely not? There was a knock at the door, and I decided that I would make sure I was absolutely normal with this person.

I let him in and opened my mouth to introduce myself, but instead of saying my name, a high-pitched, whale noise came out of my mouth. I didn’t beat myself up about it, it’s happened to us all. I decided not to speak again in case I made more whale noises by mistake.

I silently handed over a pineapple and bowed to apologise. The man seemed uncomfortable and left.

The search for a normal flatmate goes on.

Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986